People who bought X also bought Y

People who bought X also bought Y

Dear Mrs Foster

It was with great disappointment that I received your letter on Tuesday, after all the hard work and investment Celtron Creative Solutions have put into helping you and your son Jimmy. In my response I would like to address some of the issues you raised in the letter and also point to the many contractual obligations that you must face up to.

Skermesdale Primary is one of the top schools in the county, there were only 7 shootings last year and only 4 were fatal which Ofsted rated as exceptional. It has a highly regarded Science department and a world class chemical dependency centre. All of this comes at a price, a price I may add that Celtron Creative Solutions met in full and all we asked was for was a small return on our investment.

I regret deeply that you feel Jimmy is picked on as a result of our arrangement but I doubt that this is the case. Kids are cruel and I doubt that Jimmy is being singled out any more than other kids. I will admit that the adverts that have been displayed on Jimmy’s body are not what some kids would consider “cool” but really he only has himself to blame. We have a team of leading market researchers and many of our clients monitoring Jimmy 24 hours a day. He is making no effort to fit in.

At playtimes he sits on the wall swinging his legs and looking at the ground, tucked away in his parker hood. Sometimes he just sits there all break time not talking to any of the other kids. Now be reasonable Mrs Foster, is that the kind of kid you want advertising your product? I don’t think so. In Ten years time, maybe, when Jimmy is old enough to appeal to the Goth or rebel market, but right now he is just tragic. The playground is a hard place and kids are very discerning, if our clients get associated with the wrong kind of kid it could be disastrous for their image

At the moment all we can use Jimmy for is advertising constipation pills and Werthers’ originals to the old people who come to see if he is alright. Or new waterproof plasters to the nurse when she patches him up after a fight. I know in our promotional material we projected that Jimmy would be advertising Nike and Adidas and computer game companies, but we made it clear that this would only happen if Jimmy made the effort to integrate into the target group, this he has not done.

May I suggest that you encourage Jimmy to play football and be a little noisier in class? He is doing well at keeping his grades low but that just isn’t good enough. Has he thought of picking on a smaller kid? It is a sure fire way for Jimmy to rise up the food chain and perhaps then we can get some of our more ‘trendy’ brands to invest in him.

Currently his skin is only worth 20p per square centimetre per week, which is barely enough to keep the morph-tattoos running and certainly not enough to keep him in school. But we at Creative Industries have a vision for Jimmy so we will not give up on him. That is why it saddens me when you say you want to go back on our arrangement. (which I can assure you is watertight contractually)

On a positive note, we have had one offer that I think you will like from a well known cereal manufacture. We have already made the adjustments to Jimmy’s conversation chip, feel free to try it. The trigger is, “Jimmy are you okay?” to which if you are not already aware he will reply: “I’m grrrrreat” in the voice of Tony the Tiger. I hope this goes some way to alleviating your fear that he is becoming quiet and withdrawn. It is new technology so we will see how it goes for now before moving to MacDonald’s who I must say are starting to warm to the idea of him shouting “I’m loving it” at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

I know that it is hard raising a child as I have two of my own. Sometimes you need to let them make their own way in life and although I understand your concern I assure you it is unjustified. We at Creative Industries look forward to working with Jimmy throughout his life, looking after him and the interests of his investors.

When he advertises his first bacterial spot cleanser, a famous pop band, driving lessons, a Mercedes, an estate agents, a famous aftershave, a range of suits, a Rolex, a single malt whisky, a mobility scooter, all the way to an equity release plan. We will be there, with him, every step of the way and I personally cannot wait for the golden times ahead.

Yours Sincerely
Ansel Mackintosh

Dear Mrs Foster

We at Celtron Creative industries offer our deepest condolences. We were shocked and saddend by the tragic and sudden death of Jimmy. It feels as if we too have lost a son. I am told he just walked right out in front of that bus; he didn’t even look up from his parker. May I be the first to say that in conjunction with our client Burger King we will be meeting the full cost of the funeral.

Yours Sincerely
Ansel Mackintosh

P.S. At our client’s request, can he be cremated?

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