Chirizo and black pudding scotch egg
Recipe for Chirizo and black pudding scotch egg by Alex Coxall

The humble scotch egg. Once a great British delicacy (Scotish to be precise) now sadly the tiny cold shrivelled offering at petrol stations across the land. If you don’t know, it is basically a boiled egg made infinitly better by being wrapped in sausage meat, covered in breadcrumbs and deep fried.

This is my take. I have not reinvented the wheel here just put some rims on it. I am sure someone else has done exactly the same but I just wanted to give something back to this website that has given me so much entertainment and caused me to now be the owner of a soldering iron, a dremmel and a whole host of doodads I have dismantled and never quiet figured out how to put back together. Anyway cheers guys for all the years I have enjoyed your blend of genius and lunacy, its about time I kicked in something.

p.s: This took ages to type because I melted the left hand side of my keyboard under a heatlamp at work the other day. Sorry for any repeated letters and random capitalisation, I have done my best to check for it.

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Cili Salt chilli
The new condiment - Chili Salt

It is time for the antiquated dinner table reign of salt and pepper to be brought to an end. It is time to bring these pretenders together under the all encompassing power of Chili. Here I give you Chalt.

Okay, basically, I make pretty much everything spicy but found that chili sauce can be a bit intrusive with certain dishes (for example it makes the milk go funny with your cornflakes). I also had a bit of time on my hands and had ordered too many scotch bonnet chillies than it was reasonably safe to use in one dish.

This is very straight forward but very effective. Great for using up a glut harvest of chillies.

Anyhows, here you go.

Memo to Staff

I realise that many of you were upset by the incident the other day and we appreciate your continued attendance at work. The good news is that Mrs Goddard will be back with us shortly thanks to the swift work and diligence of our technicians. All members of staff that witnessed the aforementioned incident will receive Bronze Hampers as a gesture of good will, for their quick thinking and discretion. (Hampers are a goodwill gesture and are not to be construed in any way as an admission of culpability or responsibility. Celtron ltd point to clause 32 subsection B of employee contracts that states: The company excepts no liability for; injury, maiming, disease, or mental instability caused by employee negligence.)

To avoid future accidents:
NO members of the cleaning staff are allowed in restricted areas, EVER.
Under NO circumstances are members of staff of any level to enter the holding cages.
These rules must be adhered to ALWAYS.

Thank you
Karen Macintosh
Memo to Staff

As I am sure you are aware Mrs Goddard is ready to return to the team. Although she is very much herself, as you can imagine after such a serious accident there are obviously some aesthetic differences. Her speech is not quiet back to normal yet as a certain portion of her brain was removed during the surgery. We imagine that this will return once her body accepts the implants. Also due to the high maintenance levels required to keep her going, she is to stay on site at all times. The Broom cupboard has been converted to accommodate her during the evening. Until we can find another area for the cleaning equipment it is to be kept neatly in the corner of the games room. Make sure that all fire exits are clear, as this would breach Health and Safety regulations. We also request that whoever is on the Monday shift every week comes in 15 mins early to run Brasso over Mrs Goddard’s metallic surfaces. These fifteen minutes will be added until they form an hour and this amount will be added to which ever week the hour accumulates. It has also being brought to my attention that the dispenser is out of oxtail soup, I have talked with the company and they say they have discontinued that particular flavour. Would beef suffice? I know it was a major concern at the last ops meeting. I will continue to fight your corner.

Thank you
Karen Macintosh


Memo to Staff

I should not have to remind staff that bullying and name-calling are not acceptable. If this does not stop then I will put my foot down. I will not tolerate this. End of issue.

I also understand that some of you are concerned by the words Mrs Goddard seems to mutter when she is working alongside you, may I assure you that these words are miss fires of the chip as it settles in to normal function. Brian I can assure you Mrs Goddard does not think you are a ‘jizmonkey’ it is likely that this was a random, involuntary, outburst as a traumatic memory floated past of the accident, hence monkey. (Although they were technically apes, I do not think Mrs Goddard had the time to access their genus).

Thank you
Karen Macintosh


Memo to Staff

Last night the coffee cups were left in the staff games room. May I remind you that it is your individual duty to wash those cups up after the shift? The games room and in fact the coffee are a privilege not a right. If this occurs again we may have to rethink what perks are awarded to staff.

On a less serious note, I see that you are all getting on a lot better now. Mrs Goddard’s laugh is once again filling the labs with joy. In fact she never stops laughing. Even when she is shut down for the night I hear she giggles to herself. Good on her. I hope this allays any fears that any of you may have had about her violent tendencies.

P.S. Due to Mrs Taylor’s 60’s to 80’s bus trip to Turkmenistan she will obviously not be able to polish Mrs. Goddard tomorrow, so we have skipped the rota one forward and I ask that Brian be responsible. (As you know 15 minutes before your shift not during.)

Thank you
Karen Macintosh
                Celtorn ltd Primate and Cybernetics Dept
                                Little Dinsdale
East Riding
HU32 7LJ
Dear Mrs Connor,

It is my sad duty to have to tell you that Brian is no longer with us. At around 8.45 this morning your husband passed away. It is believed he had an accident with one of our more ‘experimental’ machines. We regret that we cannot return him until we have located at least 45 % of the body (I can assure you that this is standard company operating procedure)

Brian was a valued member of the team and will be sorely missed. We all have many happy memories of his 36 year employment. To help with your grief you will notice that we have attached the Gold Hamper. (Hampers are a goodwill gesture and are not to be construed in any way as an admission of culpability or responsibility. Celtron ltd point to clause 32 subsection B of employee contracts that states: The company excepts no liability for; injury, maiming, disease, or mental instability caused by employee negligence.)
Yours Faithfully
Karen Macintosh

As Christmas draws to an end office workers brace for “Black January” as hospitality staff descend on their places of business to let off some yuletide steam.

“Its carnage, absolute carnage,” explains Mike Walsh, manager of Reading’s largest lettings firm, Walsh Lets.  “They act as if they have never been in an office before, we are clearing up vomit, urine and god knows what else for the whole month.”

For many January is a quiet time of recovery and reflection, gym membership triple-folds and sales of tequila hit a yearly rock bottom, but for those in offices, January is a month filled with dread.

“I’d say about 20% of them are okay and I am sure if you got them on their own, one by one, they would be perfectly normal but there is something about January that makes them act like complete arseholes,” says I.T consultant Johnathan Riley. ” Last year a group of ten chefs from a major high street restaurant chain were in here and… well lets just say we had throw the shredder out, and the intern.”

It is estimated that “Black January” costs the private sector nearly £40 million in damages and sexual harassment payouts to staff each year and this year is set to be bigger than ever due to staff cuts in the hospitality industry.

“You would think that the recession would calm down the  parties but the opposite is true;” says Culinary Sociologist, Professor Martin Wrinkler. “What we are seeing is a drop in staffing levels in kitchens leading to a smaller workforce taking on inhuman hours. The few left are taking on hours that would shame a Ukrainian gang master. Add to this the extra wages those few are bringing in and we have a recipe for real damage this year.”

The industry hit back against these accusations saying that trouble makers represented only a small percentage of January partiers; “It’s a small minority and anyway, what are these office boys complaining about, don’t these guys fuck up our establishments all the way through December and show no respect for the hard working people in our line of work?” says a brewery director, wishing to remain anonymous.

Whatever this year brings we can guarantee similar scenes to last year, up and down the country, as hospitality staff blink into the daylight and start their end of December celebrations.

“I think it is a load of fuss about nothing,” said Joe, a commie chef for the Hilton group,  at last year’s Swindon Halifax bash,”We work hard all year, you know, we just like to let off some steam and do stuff we normally wouldn’t get the chance to. For instance, I would not normally drink photocopier toner but here we are.”

The day started as usual, only a little earlier. There were fragments of the night before. People and places a little jumbled. Definately pissed off a few people, cider, cider, cider.

Luckily we were on a mission and every important mission demands that you never look back, spacially or temporaly. I was sure that whatever happened was nothing 3 days absence could not fix.

To the car. Every journey starts with a first step and this one was definately no acception, greasy roadside truck stop. We ordered bacon, egg and blackpudding baguettes. The order confused the grill troll but eventually breakfast was served.

Breakfast sorted, onwards, to the Cider Siren of Cheddar Valley. This beautiful maiden is the keeper of many a fine cider and cheese, what more can you say?
“10 litres of dry rough please.”

“You boys going to a party?
“er no…”