Memo to Staff
I realise that many of you were upset by the incident the other day and we appreciate your continued attendance at work. The good news is that Mrs Goddard will be back with us shortly thanks to the swift work and diligence of our technicians. All members of staff that witnessed the aforementioned incident will receive Bronze Hampers as a gesture of good will, for their quick thinking and discretion. (Hampers are a goodwill gesture and are not to be construed in any way as an admission of culpability or responsibility. Celtron ltd point to clause 32 subsection B of employee contracts that states: The company excepts no liability for; injury, maiming, disease, or mental instability caused by employee negligence.)
To avoid future accidents:
NO members of the cleaning staff are allowed in restricted areas, EVER.
Under NO circumstances are members of staff of any level to enter the holding cages.
These rules must be adhered to ALWAYS.
Thank you
Karen Macintosh
Memo to Staff
As I am sure you are aware Mrs Goddard is ready to return to the team. Although she is very much herself, as you can imagine after such a serious accident there are obviously some aesthetic differences. Her speech is not quiet back to normal yet as a certain portion of her brain was removed during the surgery. We imagine that this will return once her body accepts the implants. Also due to the high maintenance levels required to keep her going, she is to stay on site at all times. The Broom cupboard has been converted to accommodate her during the evening. Until we can find another area for the cleaning equipment it is to be kept neatly in the corner of the games room. Make sure that all fire exits are clear, as this would breach Health and Safety regulations. We also request that whoever is on the Monday shift every week comes in 15 mins early to run Brasso over Mrs Goddard’s metallic surfaces. These fifteen minutes will be added until they form an hour and this amount will be added to which ever week the hour accumulates. It has also being brought to my attention that the dispenser is out of oxtail soup, I have talked with the company and they say they have discontinued that particular flavour. Would beef suffice? I know it was a major concern at the last ops meeting. I will continue to fight your corner.
Thank you
Karen Macintosh
Memo to Staff
I should not have to remind staff that bullying and name-calling are not acceptable. If this does not stop then I will put my foot down. I will not tolerate this. End of issue.
I also understand that some of you are concerned by the words Mrs Goddard seems to mutter when she is working alongside you, may I assure you that these words are miss fires of the chip as it settles in to normal function. Brian I can assure you Mrs Goddard does not think you are a ‘jizmonkey’ it is likely that this was a random, involuntary, outburst as a traumatic memory floated past of the accident, hence monkey. (Although they were technically apes, I do not think Mrs Goddard had the time to access their genus).
Thank you
Karen Macintosh
Memo to Staff
Last night the coffee cups were left in the staff games room. May I remind you that it is your individual duty to wash those cups up after the shift? The games room and in fact the coffee are a privilege not a right. If this occurs again we may have to rethink what perks are awarded to staff.
On a less serious note, I see that you are all getting on a lot better now. Mrs Goddard’s laugh is once again filling the labs with joy. In fact she never stops laughing. Even when she is shut down for the night I hear she giggles to herself. Good on her. I hope this allays any fears that any of you may have had about her violent tendencies.
P.S. Due to Mrs Taylor’s 60’s to 80’s bus trip to Turkmenistan she will obviously not be able to polish Mrs. Goddard tomorrow, so we have skipped the rota one forward and I ask that Brian be responsible. (As you know 15 minutes before your shift not during.)
Thank you
Karen Macintosh
Celtorn ltd Primate and Cybernetics Dept
Little Dinsdale
East Riding
England
HU32 7LJ
Dear Mrs Connor,
It is my sad duty to have to tell you that Brian is no longer with us. At around 8.45 this morning your husband passed away. It is believed he had an accident with one of our more ‘experimental’ machines. We regret that we cannot return him until we have located at least 45 % of the body (I can assure you that this is standard company operating procedure)
Brian was a valued member of the team and will be sorely missed. We all have many happy memories of his 36 year employment. To help with your grief you will notice that we have attached the Gold Hamper. (Hampers are a goodwill gesture and are not to be construed in any way as an admission of culpability or responsibility. Celtron ltd point to clause 32 subsection B of employee contracts that states: The company excepts no liability for; injury, maiming, disease, or mental instability caused by employee negligence.)
Yours Faithfully
Karen Macintosh
